Mightier than the Sword
Area woman's Nerd Herd membership called into question
(PORTLAND) Coyne's Laundromat at the corner of Danforth and High Street was the scene for a gruesome discovery early Friday afternoon. Authorities believe local resident and card-carrying Nerd Herd member Shannon Doyle was emptying her clothes from the drier when witnesses spotted a pair of the much-maligned Sorority Chick Ass Pants among her garments. The news shocked and saddened the Nerd community and shook the Nerd Herd organization to its very core."We looked the other way when she started trying to match her clothes, in part because she was never too skilled at doing that anyway. We allowed her participation in athletics, which is generally frowned upon, and even compromised on the social interaction and bar scene," said Wayne Bunhammer, another Nerd Herd member. "But a transgression of this magnitude may be too much," he continued, choking up and abruptly ending the interview.
Sources close to Doyle, 24, say she denies prior knowledge of the Sorority Chick Ass Pants, or SCAP, though does admit they were in her possession at the laundromat. "I don't know, I was just taking out my laundry and all of a sudden I looked at my hands and saw what I was holding. I was as shocked as everyone else," she said. SCAP are a staple garment for Fluff Chicks and Hoochie Mamas, and they are generally purchased two sizes too small and worn with a tight, midriff-baring top so that male observers can't help but notice the ass of the wearer.
"Honestly, they aren't real Ass Pants. They're not tight," Doyle claimed at a hearing to review her membership in the Nerd Herd. "I guess I must have picked them up when I was shopping with my mom over Thanksgiving... I don't know what I was thinking, I never meant for this to happen. Look," she continued frantically, hiking up the leg of her Goodwill men's jeans. "Look, I have chili peppers on my socks! Don't chili pepper socks count for ANYTHING anymore??"
Despite other member-approved activites like checking email obsessively, making math-related puns, and browsing in office supply stores to pass time, other Nerd Herders are calling for Doyle's membership to be revoked. "It's a sad day," said Claudia Shunt. "If Shannon can go Hoochie, anyone can. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she's hiding a 600 watt hair dryer and Caboodle full of make-up in her apartment. That traitor."
A final decision regarding Doyle's fate has yet to be reached, though one source wishing to remain anonymous claimed that a full apartment search for further evidence may come to pass. "The SCAP Incident is pretty major," said the source. "I'd say her participation in the next Nerd Herd meeting is about as likely as y=1/x ever crossing the vertical axis. Ain't gonna happen."