Mightier than the Sword

Lint Roller of Death Fails to Induce Mortal Terror

(PORTLAND) A domestic ant colony that had recently emerged from beneath the carpet of 65 High Street #3 failed to show any signs of terror despite repeated mass murders in the community. The ants, presumably brought on by spring temperatures and the downstairs neighbor's eschewal of trash removal, began their frenzied exploration of the bathroom linoleum late last week amid talks of complete colonization.

Activity level was further raised by the mysterious appearance of tiny black containers full of ant food marked "Raid," clearly suggesting that the food was free for the hoarding. Before long, however, huge numbers of scout ants turned up missing, some colony members began falling ill, and a giant human wielding a lint roller was seen frequenting the area.

"The Quickie Brand Lint Roller of Death has been amazingly effective," said renter Shannon Doyle. "You just zoom it over them while they're running around and they're smushed and stuck, all in one motion. It doesn't work so well on carpet though." When Doyle showed the emerging swarm of ants to neighbor Shana Hall, Hall was amazed at the calm the ants displayed when facing death.

"Look at them. They don't even panic," she said as she effortlessly collected dozens of ants on the sticky roller. Indeed, they seemed to not mind at all even when nearby ants were suddenly ripped off the linoleum and rolled up into the air, as if riding a grotesque ferris wheel. Once expended, the adhesive lint roll layer was torn off and folded in half, thereby sealing any struggling ants in tiny, sticky tombs, and simultaneously revealing a new sticky sheet ready to roll. In a behavioral science experiment of questionably ethics, or possibly just laziness, Doyle began leaving the encased ant sheets on the floor near the carpet edge to see if the ants would make any attempt to free their stuck comrades or learn from their lethal mistakes. Consideration was also given to including one of the bumpy ant sheets with May's rent check to the landlord, who, as usual, could not be reached for comment.