Mightier than the Sword
The Avocado
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Area woman checks email for twenty-seventh time in two hour period
Lonely, desperate senior Laura Dune opened a telnet session to ecn for the twenty-seventh time in two hours in hopes of having a new message waiting for her, and for the twenty-sixth time, she was denied. Acquaintances admit they've noticed the frequency of Dune's email checking, but have been reluctant to intervene because they "hardly know her" and "don't really care what she does with her time."
"It's kind of sad, really," said a PUCC lab assistant who asked not to be identified. "She got an email earlier today from a TA in one of her classes, something about a typo in the assignment. It was sent to a distribution list, but she was just so excited." Witnesses say Dune re-read the email several times and turned her monitor to show the short, impersonal email to the painfully uninterested students seated on either side of her. Dune reportedly replied to the message to tell the TA about her day and how she saw a guy picking his nose in the computer lab that morning. It was unclear whether or not she replied to all recipients. "Her TAs should be made aware of the situation," said the lab assistant, "and take her off the distribution list. It only encourages her. It's just cruel, really."
T.A. is hot
Sources in Cary Quad revealed Tuesday that freshman Ryan Gremble's physics TA is totally hot. "She's so fine," Gremble told several freshman engineers in the dining hall. "I'm talking total hottie. And you know she's gotta be smart, too, to be a physics TA. It's not fair that chicks that hot are allowed to be smart." Gremble then described his TA's awesome blue eyes and killer body to the envious group.
"Oh yeah, I'll definitely be going for extra credit in recitation," said Gremble as he high-fived a friend. He then exhausted his repertoire of sexual innuendos, including references to "friction" and "free body diagrams." While Gremble acknowledges that he has never actually talked to or made eye contact with the T.A., he said he's just "waiting for the right moment" to ask her out.
Purdue student to copyright constant
A Purdue University student plans on copyrighting a constant he claims to have invented. The tentatively titled "right answer constant" has applications in a variety of math, science, and engineering problems, says industrial engineering senior Joseph Zanders. "It's truly a magical number. The beauty of it is that it's applicable in every problem you've ever done, every problem you'll ever do. It saves time, paper, and helps your grade." Zanders says that many students may already be unwittingly using the oft-pirated constant. "I know it's out there right now, helping to solve thermodynamics problems, balancing complex chemical reaction equations, and making the world a better place for all math-hating people."
The "constant" in actuality is a variable used to bridge the gap between a student's partial solution and the answer in the back of the book. Students employing the "right answer constant" generally write and erase several numbers on the paper to create the look of deep thought and revision, find out how close they are to the true answer, and then add a step to the problem in which multiplying or dividing by the constant gives the correct answer to the problem. "We all know how great it is to box in the correct answer, the sense of pride associated with that. My constant will help you get there. I'm very proud of this discovery," said Zanders, "and I only want my due: a slight fee in small, unmarked bills by anyone wishing to use my constant." Zanders has also expressed interest in patenting the three dots, generally read as "therefore," that can mystically relate two independent statements on homework assignments and exams.
Deletion of chain email dooms student to eternity of misery, loneliness
Area student Buck Rogers, a sophomore in chemical engineering, deleted a chain email early Thursday, thereby sealing his fate of dying alone, penniless, and miserable. The email, which reportedly had a subject line of "FW: Fw: don't delete! (fwd) (fwd)," gave anecdotal evidence of the email's power over fate, citing such incidents as a man in Connecticut who deleted the email and was immediately killed when a cement goose wearing a yellow rain slicker fell off a balcony and struck his head. The email also told of a Canadian woman who did not follow the email's instructions and within a week was dumped by her fiance, cut out of her parents' will, and accidentally stapled her tongue to her lower lip.
"I was just checking my email right before class," said Rogers. "I didn't have time to forward it to eleven of my friends because I was already running late." The email required immediate attention, claiming that if Rogers sent it to eleven of his friends within eight minutes of receiving it, all of his dreams would come true, but that if he didn't, the opposite of all his wishes would happen. "I guess I didn't realize the importance of that email... I mean, it's not like it said Bill Gates was going to send me $1000 for every person I forwarded it to. I guess I was blinded by my academic schedule and I lost sight of what's really important: giving eleven of my friends the opportunity to have all their dreams come true. That email's been around the world nine times, so you know it must be real. I should have listened," said Rogers.
Writer under fire for possibly offensive story
Two-Headed Pig author Shannon Doyle, a senior in interdisciplinary engineering, came under fire today for writing a potentially offensive story in the fall issue of the Purdue Engineering Magazine. The article, titled "T.A. is hot," portrays a group of freshmen in Cary Quad discussing the physical attributes of a physics teaching assistant. The PEM editor-in-chief felt it might be inappropriate. "Some women are more sensitive about that kind of thing than Shannon is, " said Thomas Pace, a senior in civil engineering. "And I'd like to add that the article in no way reflects the opinions of Purdue, the magazine, its sponsors, or its editor." Doyle then interjected, "It's nobody's opinion, it's a humor column."
Doyle has been in hiding since the controversy began, often wearing a scarf over her head and big dark sunglasses when appearing in public. "I'm female, and it doesn't offend me. It's all made up anyway- the whole Two-Headed Pig is fictional, except for the headline about the guy looking for his pants," she said before being chased away by a mob of paparazzi photographers.
Man sleeps during lecture; head bobs
Witnesses confirmed today that the brown-haired kid with weird ears that sits in front of Brian Melford slept through lecture yet again. Melford reports that the student, who he has dubbed 'the brown-haired kid with weird ears that sits in front of me,' sleeps through the lecture religiously. "I seriously don't know why he drags himself in here... I don't think he's stayed awake once all year, and there must be a more comfortable place to sleep." One might speculate that he attends lecture to take notes, but according to Melford, "His pen sort of wanders across his paper and then slides off the edge as his arm goes limp. Sometimes he'll sit up long enough to write a word or two down, but that's about it." Melford said the slow bobbing and lolling of the student's head is annoying, yet at the same time "strangely hypnotic."Marsh supermarket in shambles after prank
Chaos erupted at around 5:30 p.m. Monday evening when an unidentified man apparently seized control of a courtesy phone in the West Lafayette Marsh, dialed the intercom activation code, and made an unofficial announcement to all Marsh shoppers. He encouraged shoppers to sample any and all products on the shelves as a form of quality assurance, reported that any customer able to fit 14 unbroken Ritz crackers in his mouth would be eligible for a cash prize sponsored by Nabisco, and stated that customers checking out through lane four within the next three minutes would get all their groceries for free. He then thanked them for shopping at Marsh.INSIDE:
The Avacado opinions column, "Kiss My Asymptote," makes its debutMan wakes in strange apartment; location of pants under investigation
EE successfully avoids human interaction
Student sees herself in Feria
Freshman lathers, rinses, repeats
Student known as 'Key' has all test answers, posts them on bulletin board
Loyal reader begins frenzied search for "Inside" section of Avacado