Notes from a Broad
(and letters from a guy)

11/1/97
I used to think it was cheesy, but the phrase "The toughest job you'll ever love" is so, so true! I think it's great here but I'm truly living one day at a time. It's tough. I get up in the morning and often think of you and how crappy it is that I got woken up by 3 roosters at 5:30 a.m. and that I'll have to eat this porridge crap and speak in another language which I don't know, but hey, I'll make it through. The reward of coming home will be the best reward of all.

11/9/97
We're down south, close to Park W, in fact it's across the river from us. This week, we're taking a birding field trip, so we're not in our villages. It's a good break, this fish bowl effect is annoying most of the time. Have I told you of this? People will just sit there and watch us do absolutely everything, eat, sit, even sleep. For some reason, they are absolutely fascinated with "Anasara" or white-skinned people. I guess it happens for the entire two years.

So we're eating fairly good food while we're out of the village. Let me describe what I usually eat. In Tcheday, for breakfast I usually have left-overs from the night before, which is pounded millet and sauce. This is fairly horrible, I don't like it but it does the job of providing nutrition. I totally drown the stuff in sauce which is like a spicy beefy flavored gravy. The millet ("howru") has the consistency of, hmmm... old stale hard mashed potatoes. But it tastes like absolutely nothing, in fact it's sandy and yucky but they (our superiors) want us to fit right in with the villagers. Rice is the rich man's food. Phooey!

They tried to give me this millet milk drink and a couple times I complied but then I spotted some type of insect larva swimming around and realized they made it with well water so that was that, no more for me, thank you. For lunch I usually get something decent, like rice and beans, rice and meat, cous-cous, or just plain rice. It seems funny this way, rather ironic, 'cause in our society, rice is the poor man's food and millet, from what I know, is the newest health craze. Americans are bizarre! So for dinner I usually get millet and sauce again. I mean, it's great fiber but man, it sucks. It still doesn't fail to amaze me how these people totally live off the land and how the economy works and you know, how fast the sun moves. I've been having hallucinations about bacon and eggs and wheat toast and coffee lately. Don't ask me why! Usually when I'm in the shower in the morning. Maybe it's the heat!

11/12/97
We went to the Bumba market yesterday and I had an absolutely marvelous time. I will now copy my journal entry for you. It was truly a marvelous day.

"[11/11/97] I have so amazingly much to write about. We are in Bossia and we went to the market at Bumba. I had an amazingly wonderful time. We saw the Niger river, a rather large section from Park W all the way to Benia, which was across the river. We rode in a bush boat which was fun yet insane. There wasn't room, yet we made room. I sat right on the side of the boat going south, but on the way back I sat on the engine deck which was really nice. I watched for birds and animals all the way down and listened to the natives and paid attention to what was going on, how it all functioned. It took us maybe two hours each way but I sang "Down on the Corner" by C.C.R. so it made it go by much more quickly. The market was great, better than usual, I actually felt comfortable and greeted a great many, many people and laughed and smiled and walked around by myself and bargained a little by myself. It was great! I thought of many cool things. When we first got there we went straight for water and then we went straight for food and ate Farimassas, these yummy dough balls with sugar coating. Then we wandered around a bit and this is what I thought. I thought about the market itself and about the people there and got into a small discussion concerning economics and how they apply to Niger. Then I thought a lot about my job here in this country while I was talking with others and thought about how I was learning this culture and how great it was. I kept on smiling and just talking with people. Then, I'd get into crazy discussions every now and then which I didn't really understand a great deal but hey, for some reason, I felt OK just smiling at these people and trying to understand but not, then just saying "OK, bye bye, I go now!" I thought of how this fulfilled the cultural exchange of Peace Corps and I thought, "Hey, I'm doing a great job! (so far, anyway)"

Then I thought about the more technical aspects and wondered exactly how I would go about convincing these people who don't have enough food or money, how exactly to conserve and promote wildlife. What exactly is so damn important about it?! I had many good ideas as to how this will be done and how I will go about doing it, how to earn these folks some money, how certain animals may be able to even support stronger crops. Reforestation, Agroforestry, ecotourism, blah blah blah. How does wildlife affect these people or do they care? So, I thought of all this as I walked around the market and had a marvelous day. I learned how to beat kids back with a stick. And when we got onto the boat to return to Bossia, we rode on the engine deck and I had a splendid time. I thought more and talked with Allen Bosser, a C.B.T. village male stationed in Tchedey, a wildlife biologist. We talked of many things also. It started by me telling him of good thoughts I'd been having all day long at the market. We continued then by talking of something concerning the righteous path. Allen and I talked of social order and of rejecting it, social order in the sense that people don't seek individualization but rather, choose to follow orders and by not messing up, they will look good in other people's eyes, in their superior's eyes and thus, will be successful, reach success, climb the enlightenment ladder. We talked of rejecting this order and of rejecting judgment, even that of good vs. bad, of balance, for this, I find, is a truly interesting question and indeed, philosophy. The complexity of life overwhelmed us and Allen quoted much on spirituality and creativity of the left hand path (?) (Jungian thought) or the North Path (Navajo thought) of enlightenment and individualism and ego denial, etc. I asked Allen exactly what he meant by social order and he explained as above but we spoke of much social theory and of our responsibility and of institutions which are the ruin of our kind and of various other theories which life revolves around, or perhaps just certain aspects of it. Then I told him a little of me and of my righteous path and we talked of knowledge and the road to enlightenment and inner peace and we giggled at all the philosophical bullshit we were jabbering about. I jotted down these notes before I forgot them, while on the river, that I had an overwhelming sense of goodness, that it is perhaps due to clarity of mind, for to clear one's head of rubbish and to allow free thought and creativity to flow. Then I asked "What is it about the Positive Flow?" POSITIVE FLOW, BALANCE: is what I have written in large letters. "To hear OM, as in Siddhartha." To not have those judgments echoing in my head to be stress free and to look upon the world with the wonder of a little child, yet to understand it. Yes, I had an absolutely wonderful day! I thought of Shannon while on the river and of other friends too, especially Ope and Tory but I must get to bed for the mosquitoes are bad. More tomorrow! Peace, Eric "

 11/14/97
I will finish this letter today. I thought I would finish it the other day but for the last 2 days I went out to do bird surveys on the river and just yesterday I didn't feel so well, in fact I came down with a fever. 102.2 degrees. Hey, the second fever I've had since being here. I've got to spend this next week recovering so I can make it on the Park W field trip. Park W is really nice, we got to see it's eastern edge while on the river. We saw so much wildlife it was great. We saw tons of birds and monkeys, baboons, deer-like things, warthogs, and even some hippos while on the river. The hippos make you, made me a little nerve-wracked. They are in the lead as the top animal causing deaths. The 1st time I saw some, they were about 10 m away, and there were 3 of them, they dove and for the longest time we didn't know where they were. I remember thinking "Please, Mr. Hippo, don't flip our boat" and then a few minutes later seeing them pop up way past us. Phew!

11/27/97
I write you now on the morning of Thanksgiving from under the hanger of my new home. I have been thinking lots, since arriving here about three days ago, of what I can and indeed will do to fix this place up. It's a great place but the volunteer before me was, I admit, quite a bit lazy and has let this beautiful place deteriorate.

The place here in Tapoa is nice. I have two round houses, one is a kitchen space and one is a bedroom/study area. Then I have a big hanger, an area with a supported grass roof to shade from the sun, over a lovely flagstand courtyard. I have a bricked in shower area and a fair amount of trees and I even have enough space to have a small garden (once I get all the rocks out). There are many things I want to do, most because I refuse to be lazy and settle for living in a rundown place. I'm having the brick wall finished (a good idea anyway 'cause the elephants and lions are migrating this way; heard a lion roar yesterday morning across the gorge from my village for about 1/2 hour), might build a small half wall around the garden, clean and fix the hangars and houses (I'll probably have the roofs fixed/replaced next year before you come over). I have electricity almost every night, a fridge and an oven and access to a phone right here in the village.

Check this out, I'm gonna be involved with a Cheetah conservation program. I'm not doing the giraffe thing at all, they recruited some other guy for that, so I'm in the park. WA-HOO! The place is beautiful and I'm already calling it our place even though you'll only be here for like 3 weeks. This town and Niger are wonderful... Happy Thanksgiving!

12/1/97
Happy December! It was only 99 degrees today under my Hanger in Tapoa. I talked to Kim today about moving out West while we walked along the gorge which borders our village on our way to the Gallery Forest. We saw green monkeys, baboons, waterbuck, and a bunch of birds all along the way.

12/2/97
I'm going to the "Mirador" (observation tower) this afternoon to observe wildlife. There are so many cool things to do here in the park, with my job. I'm very excited to be almost done with training so I can start working. Only 3 more weeks! Not only will I be involved with that Cheetah program but so much more. Large mammal surveys, Mirador surveys, night surveys, waterhole monitoring, interpredation work, environmental ed, gardening, tree nurseries, ecotourism then just plain old personal stuff I want to do like fix this place up, gardening, reading and writing lots, maybe some art, making new friends and learning a new culture. OK, I've got some work to do before the mirador, like prepping my peanut planche (garden).

12/20/97
During a three hour canoe ride down the Niger river Allen and I had a deep philosophical conversation about wilderness. We talked of the wilderness which is nature and just how it applies to the wilderness which is still very much an integral aspect of our minds and thus combined, becomes our soul. So, sit back and enjoy 'cause I'm about to tell you as well as I can remember it, all my thoughts and feelings on this. See, I remember thinking and asking Allen (he's doing the giraffe stuff) if the current schism between this, what should be our "wild" conscious, evolved from this land and the true wilderness... Could it be the cause of many problems, not just environmental, in our world today (of course this involves judgment calls which are BAD- hee hee, we, as humans, absolutely cannot avoid some judgment) Sorry- this letter is going to be chocked full of side notes 'cause I'm happy, full of energy, and despite what some people think, so much goes on here all the time but not the same way that some think of it. I'm talking about little things that so many Americans miss, this taking especially into account the things going about in one's mind. So where was I- yes, the problems of the world- are they related? I believe we want next, the route of understanding human consciousness and nature in conjunction to our evolution. See, our mind is an adaption to our world and thus, it is a very natural thing, a very wild thing. It should be dynamic and possess dynamic properties as should life, as it does, it's always changing. A person should be able to accept and understand changes going on in their life. Some people and definitely institutions, such as religious institutions, are, or rather, can be so very, very static. Thus the schism, once again. This unchangeable, dogmatic institution, uncreative, tame vs. the changeable, dynamic Wilderness which should be a very large part of our spirituality. By the way, we're in Kirtachi today on our last field trip before heading back to Hamdalleye for "Swear In." And Stephen and Matt are making a snowman from bonko, the mud mixture which they make bricks out of. So where did we turn to next!!

We talked of all this and how it relates to the importance of such topics of recycling, environmental integrity, biodiversity, and whether or not the broad sweeps... God, sorry, I laid back to enjoy "I can't get no.... no, no, no, hey, hey, hey.... that's what I say... I can't get no satisfaction." by the Rolling Stones. How ironic is that?! 'Cause according to my value system, this wilderness concept is important and should be addressed, for to stop the freight train with no brakes (the problems of the world) from building up speed while it crests the hill (where we're now as a race) requires creativity, definitely an aspect of a WILD mind, 'cause the brakes don't work! But then again, this probably comes from my personal value system, these problems simply ARE but through my value filter, this is important and should be addressed. Could this be tied to my whole odd theory of the separation between Humans and Animals? Maybe I'm an animal after all? I love all this philosophical bullshit stuff!

12/21/97
I'm in an exceptionally great mood as I awoke this morning to a brisk Nigerian winter morning. We had coffee and ice cream and cinnamon rolls for breakfast while listening to the Rolling Stones, a rather smoking cut! YE-HAW, I feel so full of life!!!

1/2/98
Well, correct what I said before, I don't have 'a' kitten, I have 2 kittens! The black one we named Sade' while listening to the Beatles white album and the other one is named Boo because he cried a lot when Kim had him so that's why I have him again 'cause when those 2 are together they just run around and play all the time. I'll send some pictures of them together in the next roll of film.

I saw my first two elephants yesterday. We were really close and they were really big! It was awesome watching them just plodding along and then feeding off the trees. They'd just take their trunk and strip all the leaves from a branch and sometimes will just rip the whole branch right off the tree. Then one almost charged a tourist's jeep. HA! We were out collecting butterflies for an insect display we're making. We saw lots of other animals like Buffon's Cob, Waterbucks, Crocodiles, and we heard some African Buffalo not too far away, plus tons of birds!

There's so much to do and read and write and learn and see, gosh... a lion just roared outside of the village, at least I think it was a lion, a cat of some kind...

1/4/98
It's early morning and already the winds have started. It's cleaning day today in my concession and I'm glad because doing mundane activities such as this keeps me occupied and busy and, as my mom would say, it's a great stress reliever. Not that cleaning is mundane... having a clean nice-looking home really can pick up your spirits and makes one proud. Hey, I live here, isn't it nice and clean and pretty? HEE HEE. That sounds silly.

1/16/98
I've been dealing with nostalgic flashbacks every now and then. The really weird ones I have are about food, I'll just all of a sudden hallucinate that I smell or could almost taste something. This afternoon I thought I smelled good BBQ Ribs grilling up! Mmmm... things like funnel cakes, hamburgers on the grill, blueberry pie, etc. will just pop into my head, at really bizarre moments. Other things too, like when you talked of it being Christmas time at the coffee shop with the lights up and it was raining and cold. Gosh, I miss the cold.

1/19/98
Happy Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday! He was a great man, wasn't he? Hey, and by the time you get this, happy birthday! Do you like your card :-) ? I wish I could be there to have a cocktail or eight with you, after all, you'll be 21 now. Are ya gonna do anything special? For my birthday I'm going to Kirtachi on the 17th, 18th of Feb. It's when they have their annual Mardi Gras party. Man o' Man, will I be drunk! But hey, I gotta let loose every now and then!

1/21/98
Man o' Man, did we ever stuff ourselves tonight! We had cream of parisian vegetable soup with carrot cake for dessert and then I had lent the hotel one of my propane tanks 'cause they ran out of gas but had tourists staying in the hotel so they needed to cook, so then they brought us a plate of fries. Plus I had a couple cups of hot tea. Yummy. I've been eating pretty well here but have still (well, last time I checked lost about 20 lbs) lost weight. It's all that fat I never needed I suppose. But anyway, we ate a ton and in general I'm eating very well over here. And it seems rather strange, no one in my village is starving but not even possibly 150 km to the north, people will die because there is no food. So take a moment and be thankful to whatever higher power there may be that you and I may eat tonight I'm actually gonna help people try to do some gardening here in town. Me and a fella named Hydraulique are going to write a letter to the department of Agriculture to try to obtain some fencing so that we can make a garden area. In exchange, I'm gonna get the people to do better trash removal/pick-up and Kim and I are gonna do a small papaniare (tree nursery) for the town. This stuff is great! I'm so happy, and that is one of the most important achievements in life, happiness. They say here:

1/22/98
So tonight I put Henah (sp?) in my hair and will find out tomorrow if it turned red or not. I love being freaky. My kittens are tearing all over my bedroom but they're having fun so hey, who gives a crap. Jemela gave me a nice compliment when she came back from her jog and caught me standing in my yard, pondering what to do with my concession. She said I've got one of the nicest places that she has seen in country. Wow! Thanks. See what you have to look forward to? I decided to take the Taoist approach to landscaping and land use in my yard, for I couldn't decide on what to do about things. But then I remembered, "Tao does not do, but nothing is not done."

Sometimes I think it's bad or that people just think, "Oh god, here comes Eric again with another lecture on recycling or on composting." But what I think it is, is this. Many, many people don't think about how they live their lives, They do what they learned as they grew up and perhaps later they will look at themselves and at society and reform like you and I but many continue to take the easy way out. How many grow their own food, really make choices which are responsible for their actions, for society, for the future, for life? I used to preach about living with integrity but I'm not sure I understand the difference between integrity and responsibility. Lindsey was copying recipes from Kim's cookbook and came across a Chinese proverb with I'll share with you now.

     "If you want to plan ahead for a year, sow rice.
      For 10 years, plant trees.
      For 100 years, educate people!"

So no, I don't feel so bad preaching my little environmental topics and I'll explain why although I think you already know, because there are very REAL problems in our world that people aren't planning to stop. They don't know that they can change their lives in order to help the situation. Recycling and composting are green issues but this goes along with a whole slew of others too. Keeping in touch with those whom have touched your life, volunteering and giving of your free time to help others, educating yourself simply by reading what others have written before you, etc. What does it mean to live responsibly and what is life all about anyway? It's about happiness and finding love and doing what makes you happy with the people and things you love, to no one else's detriment. I love working with nature, being outside, animals, environmental redemption strategies, etc.

1/31/98
Two days ago, well maybe three days ago, was Ramadan festival. I made these not so good cinnamon cookies to give away to people who come over. It's one of the biggest holidays here, like Thanksgiving in a way. Four or five families brought Kim and I meals and we were invited to eat lunch with all the men under the central hangar. I ate so much! It was like a potluck, everyone brought a small dish to share and then we put them all on these big serving trays and gathered around a dug in, literally, with our hands.

My kittens are doing wonderfully. I named them Sade' and Boo. They're great, and nice now, they rub my legs and purr but when they sit on my lap sometimes Sade' will suck Boo's belly. It's really weird, and can be annoying sometimes but they're my cute little kittens, ha! They run around and play and run on my hangar and sometimes on my roof but I've also go to make sure I always give them equal share of the good stuff like bones and table scraps 'cause Sade' gets mean sometimes. She'll growl at Boo as soon as she gets her piece and Boo comes to see what it is. Grrrrrr! She'll be mean, so I have to play equalizer sometimes. They're great and really are nice to have around most always.

P.S. I've decided to grow a beard, see how it looks!

2/4/98
I'm feeling a little drained, yet a good drained. I've been working hard this whole week and have got quite a lot to show for it. My whole concession has finally been cleaned and somewhat organized, at least preliminarily, except for one section near my gardens and of course, my ever messy desk. I've planted two small Neem trees (Azaradica indica) near my bathroom in hopes of nurturing them into good contributing members of society when they become adults, and I've finished plans and measured wood for shelves which I'm gonna build. I've written several letters to get into contact with people working in conservation, worked on the mural in the Musee' with living components, designed a butterfly life cycle info sheet, worked on the Butterfly garden manual, made maps of Cheetah sightings per year, read a bunch out of many different books (and quoted a few), talked with various villagers about starting a community garden and building cookstoves, just talked with others and practiced my language and even managed to get invited to a wedding.

And of course I thought of stuff. I went for a hike yesterday and climbed the water tower and then walked along the edge of the gorge. It's gorgeous down there. This is where I'm thinking of trying to build a nature trail. I will take you here when you come. So, I'm drained, a good drained, downing water like it's going out of style. It sucks 'cause I think winter is done already. It's averaged 115 degrees by midday this whole week, in the shade under my hangar. Whew!

2/8/98

Have you ever felt so incredibly lucky to be alive? Yesterday I stood by my wall, leaning against it, looking out over the land which surrounds my house. It was just a quiet moment in which I got back in touch with my love of nature. I stood there, looking and wondering, amazed that I was here, able to wonder at all. A double spurred frankolin peeked out of the tall grass and started to wander around the rocky short grass area to the east of my house, looking for food. Shortly after, a Geoffrey's ground squirrel scampered out from hiding and over the rocks to some destination unknown to me. Laughing doves, Red-billed Hornbills, and Long-tailed Glossy Starlings all made their presence known by song as they passed over my head. And in the distance, I could hear children playing. I knew the elephants were around and just yesterday I saw a herd of close to 17 Buffon's Cob southwest of my house, near the river. The trees, the grass, the rock and soil and gorge with its life-giving water in the background, all taken up by my senses and sent to my brain for processing into utter amazement.

I thought what a crazy thing it all is, and that even though I can describe it all as certain processes of chemical interactions as evolved from the geological structure and compositions of the earth, that it doesn't make sense, why should there be something here at all. And I thought to myself what a great thing it was indeed even though I understand it yet don't. Then I thought how it is a great pleasure of mine to understand how things live together, the patterns which connect. And I thought, what a great a joyful responsibility this is that we are one of the only species clever enough to have figured this out. And how indeed, we should all devote just a little bit of time towards providing for those who aren't clever enough to live off the land.
**2/19/98 But upon re-reading all this now, are they really not that clever after all? For they can live off the land already with little or no work. Hmmm... food for thought!

2/9/98

...But anyway, I want to live in harmony with the land but in my own unique way. Yet, I've begun a couple other projects. I started to write a book. These ideas came to me while reading various other books so I decided to put them, the thoughts that is, together into a book called "How One Person Can Change the World." I'll be sending you and others bits and pieces every now and then so that you may edit them and tell me what you think. Also, the more I think about it, the more I want to start this business of mine, this urban ecological outreach program, gardening for wildlife in the urban setting. I've also been thinking about what it is I would like to study in grad school and I'm definitely leaning towards sustainable ecological fields of study like urban ecology, urban forestry, conservation biology or environmental land use planning. Education is so important to me and I simply don't understand why more professors aren't the mentors they should be. Too many professors are these people who put such emphasis on their research and not enough on their students.

2/19/98

I didn't mail this when I came in on the 16th and I went down to Kirtachi and had Mardi Gras with all my friends in country. Man we had a blast! Only thing is... I'm so damned sore! I haven't played that hard in a long time... swimming in the river, swinging/jumping into the water via rope swing, dancing, mud wrestling (I lost in the 1st round to a fellow who's already C.O.S.ed but is just been hanging out for a while). I must go so that I can make it to the post before they close.

"We cannot tell the needy of the tropical world that they must cease and desist in their struggle for survival to prevent a catastrophe whose dimensions, consequences, or mitigating conditions we cannot define with any certainty. It may turn out that the public call for conserving natural diversity is also an expression of frustration over the poor use of natural resources of the tropics and our apparent inability to do something about it. Scientists have the responsibility of focussing the debate. Its fundamental essence, I believe, is the need for better land and resource management."

3/1/98
We recently concluded our second large mammal survey of the year! It was fantastic. We went not only with our Nigerian counterparts but also with some people from France who were working in conjunction with U.N.E.S.C.O. (some United Nations deal). I saw some parts of the park which I hadn't seen before. We saw tons of animals and even got CHARGED by elephants one time. My eyes almost popped out of my head, my jaw hit the floor, my knuckles were white as I crushed the roll bar on the truck and I almost soiled my pants but I'm here writing you now. Elephants can run fast! It was a really neat experience too, after they stopped chasing the truck, they all made a big circle with the adults protecting the children and gave us a good hard look and then decided we were safe and took off. But on this same survey I was frustrated to no end because I experienced true Nigerian/Islamic male chauvanism right in front of me. I clenched my fists of rage and quelled all those negative thoughts which swirl in my head from time to time.

3/8/98
Alright, it's about 2:30 in the afternoon, I haven't gone to the bureau yet and I don't know if I will. I would like to tell you about a little kitten here in the hostel in Niamey. Kim, my village mate, is going to take it home. It needs a good home. I think it is depressed. It's really nice, it's kind of dirty and it's tail is broken and crooked and it doesn't seem to have too much energy, it just kind of lays around. It even has trouble purring and right now is curled up in a tight ball on a chair. All this cat needs is a good home, and a whole lotta love. "What the world needs now is love, sweet love, that's the only thing that there's just too little of." I think of my environmental mission and my love for all living things, plants and animals, those things which have survived and will survive in the great wildernesses which will still be if only people like you and I can believe. I think of my love of all those good aspects of human culture, all it's vast and different societies, that beautiful language of smile and laughter which is common to all cultures, societies, languages everywhere. I think of my family, my friends amd my home, how I have received a blessed upbringing full of happiness and love and how these tools were given to me so that I may go out and share them with the world and tip the scales of good and evil towards that of rightness.
This world needs love, indeed, and together, we'll give it to them, the mighty oak and the drunken bloke, the bear, the deer, and the squirrel, and the many many little boys and girls, you and me and some bumble bees.

3/19/98
So I sat down the other day and felt like rereading letters so I did. I got in a really "BLAH" down mood and just wasn't feeling so hot. It was hard. For as wonderful as it can be over here sometimes, those are the tough times, being homesick and lonely and just wanting a hug from someone you love. *sigh* Things are better now, they always shape up and I feel better but that doesn't mean I won't be lonely again. It's tough here sometimes- you'll try so hard to make friends and just hang out with people but you can't understand everything and sometimes as you slowly get to know more culture and language I realize a lot of men at least are chauvanistic assholes or for instance, others are lazy or impatient. I spend a fair share of my time working or just hanging out alone or with Kim. Hey, I found a copy of "The Hobbit" by J.R. Tolkein over here so I don't need that one if anyone was gonna send it. So I guess that's it for this letter. We've started researching for a backpacking trip in Morocco this summer, into the High Atlas south of Marrakesh.

3/26/98
I've very much lots to tell you so I'll start now and write this letter journal style no matter how long it may become. At the current moment, I find myself experiencing strange and not all that good onslaught of emotions. I'm angry right now… I've just been "slapped in the face" because the Conservateur, the former conservateur and many many men from the Dept. of Fish and Wildlife service just went into the park and shot a buffulo so that they could feast on it tonight. Corruption is large here. I just finished writing a journal entry about it, about how unfair and unjust it all is yet what I can do about it I'm not so sure.

3/27/98
Whoa, sorry about that short little opening there. You must giggle at my letters a lot, I can just see you. Sometimes when I reread them I look at them, I laugh at myself and can't quite believe how bad my spelling is and also my grammer. "Anglais si no"- Zarma for "there is no english". And the thing that makes me chuckle the most (and you too, I imagine) is that you are studying English and writing for a possible career field! Maybe you can tutor me when I come back.

So as I was saying, many emotions have I. Sometimes I feel angry at all the corruption and injustice, sometimes suffocated by the climate (it's now becoming hot season and the temperature averages 110 F by 1 or 2 in the afternoon, and it's just beginning), sometimes frustrated and confused by lack of direction or cooperation or misunderstanding the language and lots of times I feel really lonely and homesick. These are times when I sit in my house by myself and wonder if I'll last the whole two years. I'll sit there and dream of sitting on a comfy couch by a fire in a living room, with good food and friends and beer. As always, I feel alright now and stay steadfast on my Taoist walk of life. Should I venture home prematurely, then so be it, should I stay, so be it. In the end I must simply allow myself to experience the natural flow of things. I just started reading The Tao of Love by Ivan Hoffman. It's O.K. so far but nothing extraordinary. The Tao of Pooh was much better so far.

So I've got chicken's (see… why the hell did I put an apostrophe in chicken's?) now. 2 hens and 1 rooster. One hen is the mother and the other two are her children. They are really funny things and it's really runny to watch Sade and Bu slink over to the coop and just sit there in wide-eyed amazement watching the cackling crew of poultry. They aren't hard to take care of at all yet! They kind of take care of themselves. I feed them a little millet each day and soon will start letting them out of their coop so they can go wander around and find their own food. Also, I talked to the "chef du village" of Moli Haussa stody and he said that I could have a little farm up in Mali Haussa, a mainly Germanchee town, but with some people from different backgrounds. So that'll be cool, I think! I recently wrote in my journal about the notion if everyone (or just lots more people than do now) had small gardens in their backyards, and just helped to feed themselves.
"Here's the running list in my head. On the good side of things: Better local land use in areas such as suburbs, etc., quality fresh organic (maybe) veggies, save money, good nutrition, education (people reconnected with land (in mind and spirit), help problems of larger farming operations (maybe) by reducing pressure (theoretically) on fertilizer use, water use, and soil erosion, and again, this would slowly push these farmers into 1) other uses of their land (good or bad) to maintain profit 2) other jobs 3) out of business (all theoretical) and it would help maintain global biodiversity (loss of) against the rise in the global economic exchange by not pulling/rewarding people in underdeveloped countries to grow cash crops; to make us all even more independent (and perhaps, that much more powerful for taking back control in the sector). Now the bad side (as I see it): It is work and if it isn't done right, it can cost time and money with little to no net gain. That it does (however so slight) cut into the profit of farmers and thus, these farmers may shift to something worse than what they were doing. So, that's how I see it, good outweighs bad, and with proper education and guidance, bads can alleviated to almost nothing."

I hope I never bore you with my miscellaneous ramblings about this stuff. I love it! But hey, this is enough for now, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is and go do some work!

3/29/98
Today for the whole day I finished building my chicken house. I'm exhausted but I feel better. Just plain old hard work like this is good for my wellbeing, methinks. And I also went and talked to Musa (waterboy) and told him no more excuses, if he doesn't do his job again, he's done! I almost was gonna say "I won't bore you with the long story" but hey, I've got lots of time so I will. Musa has been waterboy for Peace Corps volunteers here in Tapoa for 8, maybe 9 years. He didn't always make as much as he's making now, but now he brings water for Kim, Brubaker, and me for 5.000F each a month (a little less than $10). Thus he's pulling in almost as much as his father, Kaku. When I stayed in Tapoa for my "live in", I worked things out with Musa that he would keep my "tuneau" - french for 50 gallon drum- full each day and also do little small projects. In these first three months he's been hot and cold, more cold, with his work. Sometimes I think Musa is a little too used to Peace Corps folk, who more often than not, are kind and compassionate and more than willing to avoid conflict. He always has one excuse or another for why his work isn't done, so today I finally gave him an untilmatum. I wouldn't be surprised if before April is done I fire him. Management isn't all it's cracked up to be!

4/8/98
Yesterday my new boss in Peace Corps came down on tourney to speak with Kim and I about our work and to see our post. It was a good visit and it helped me to realize how confident I'm becoming professionally.

Today is the festival of the Chimsee. It is the time when one of the prophets of Islam sacrificed a sheep instead of his son, to Allah. And thus, everyone buys a sheep and sacrifices them to Allah and the whole village, the whole country, all the muslims in the world feast on sheep. Kim and I bought a goat and it's roasting right now at one of my friend's house (although this friend may get fired soon). So tonight, I feast by myself.

4/15/98
Hopefully I'll be able to get this letter out today or tomorrow so this may be my last entry in this journal-style letter. I enjoy this way of writing often, for some days I don't have too much to say or might be in a bad mood and in addition it lets people see how things happen on a day to day basis.

So now I'm in the infirmary. I have strep throat and for the past two days have been running a fever of between 104 and 100 (104.5 being the highest). I was worried it was malaria for a while. My whole body ached and my head was spinning and I felt nauseous. It started around dinner on the 12th. I thought maybe I had worked too hard that day in the sun with not enough water. It kept getting worse until finally I went in and by the time Walter saw me (the 14th) I had a temperature of 104 and was diagnosed with strep. I'm feeling better as I write this but still have a headache (sort of sinus related) and a sore throat and am a little weak but recovering well. A bunch of people came to see me. I had my shirt off 'cause I was hot and still had a slight fever and everyone kept saying how skinny I was, which I still don't know if it was compliment or concern. But being in the infirmary (besides the sick part) is nice. They give you 1st class treatment. You get a bed with Box springs and Air Conditioning and a hot shower if you want it (I opted for Cold to cool my body down). They buy you lunch and dinner and there's a guy that comes in, cleans everything really good. People here who have jobs, at least those that work for the Peace Corps, take pride in their work and work hard. I think of similar people in our culture and how they grumble along. There are so, so, so, so many small little things like this comparison that being here makes me think about and learn and change my opinion on life a little. Peace Corps is invaluable in this aspect, the opening of one's mind to aspects of human nature and culture and a real eye opening at how the world views America.

The Hennah didn't totally take, but it's a great conditioner. It lightened my hair just a tad and there were hints of auburn in it. I shaved my beard and put my earrings back in and got a new necklace 'cause the leather strap broke. I can't decide if I should grow my hair long again or not. I like it bushy but I like it in a ponytail, too, and I just really don't dig the short hair scene so much. I shaved my sideburns shorter and actually like them better. They look professionally acceptable for a tree-hugger! HEE HAW! I hope you like the Garfield cartoon, I found it humorous.

5/5/98
I find myself sitting here, loving the life I live and the place I'm living it in. I enjoy my work, I'm making firends, and I eat well. I read, relax, write, and work when those needs arise. On the flip side, I am sad for not hearing your voice on the phone this past Saturday. The rains have started and I think they may have washed out the telephone lines. The cabine is not working.

I had a strange thought about money a few hours ago. I was thinking how really unimportant it is to me. Pele, one of my friends here, and I were talking about this the other day and we both agreed that as long as you had enough to live on, to eat and take care of yourself, that was enough... but then I added that I liked having a cold beer every now and then, so we laughed and agreed that I'd need a little bit more. But then I thought of some things I want in life, like a truck, a piece of land and to travel around to different places and thought that I would need at least some money to get these things. Yet I've also been thinking that I'm not so sure I want to do the whole 9 to 5 thing when I come home... if ever. Gosh, I don't know. I've been writing Matt about this business idea and have been thinking more about a Coffee house and about Art, maybe running a wood shop. In regards to the business, I've thought of maybe going back to school for something in gardening or urban forestry or plant propogation and then having like a little Greenhouse/Garden shop where we could also get contracted out to do home gardens for fruit, vegetables, wildlife, whatever... and we could also try to contract out with governments or businesses... but these are all just ideas running through my head.

So what have I been doing lately? The tourist season is just about done and our research in the field is coming to a close for this year. We've been keeping ourselves busy with our most important, most sustainable project, the Musee' and the new Gift Shop! It's really good and everyone is excited about it. It'll help local artisans to sell their wears for a good price, give tourists cool things to take home and employ a handful of local women, who, although educated and very qualified for lots of work, are usually sucked into the male dominated society here and follow their husbands and wind up cooking and cleaning. So there'll be at least 4 women who will have good jobs and maybe more next year, if this takes off, I've been thinking about a refreshment/snack bar next season which would employ several more people.

The rains here finally came and man, did they ever! At about 5 a.m. in the morning a week about, the clouds decided to drop what they had on us... 115 mm in 2 hours. The waterfall is flowing really well right now and there was so much water so quick that the only 2 roads which lead into the park got washed out. I wasn't quite expecting what happened and rushed like mad to get everything inside but things still got wet, but amazingly enough my thatched roofs didn't leak, a drop here and there but things still got wet... the wind just blew the rain in the windows and the doors. So, after I got all important stuff in chests and old dirty clothes plugging the windows, it was almost dawn so I made a cup of hot tea and decided to watch the fiasco. I forgot to chip a hole in my wall at the downhill (south) side and that part was flooding. It then dawned on me that my chicken house was also getting flooded so back out in the rain I went and got my soaked chickens, who didn't even fuss when I grabbed them from out of ankle deep water and took them to my storage hut. So then I ran around in the downpour and went to see the waterfall as it started gushing. Then I just hung out all day checking out what the rain had done and where. The hotel's kitchen was flooded to about 2 1/2 to 3 feet! But it was good to get a good rain. We needed it bad. All the waterholes in the park had dried up and animals were beginning to die. But there are downsides to rainy season like certain critters becoming more active. Namely snakes! I now only have one chicken left because a black-necked spitting cobra got in the chicken house a couple nights ago and bit two of them. I feel pretty lucky 'cause it could have been me. I think it good to keep pets and domestic animals for reasons like this alone... as warning alerts. Anyway, I was on top of my wall with a big rock ready to pound what I just thought was a big black poisonous snake but then it crawled where I couldn't get it and got away. I didn't figure out it was a spitting cobra until the next morning. Plus now that there's plenty of water, there's other things out too. Namely, tse-tse flies and lots of mosquitos! Both carry blood born viruses, African River Blindness and of course, Malaria. Oh well, I still love it here! I'm gonna wrap this up tomorrow, I'm getting eaten alive by them skeeters!

5/8/98
Well, ok, so I didn't leave yesterday! Boubacar came back with Kim and her friend in the evening so I decided to wait it out until he goes back up to Niamey (SIDE NOTE: Early morning and late evening my kitties are crazy and it's fun! They tear around my concession and jump on each other.) I'm still sick of Tapoa and need a break but am no longer mad. Got some juicy gossip from Kim who got it from Boubacar. I guess the conservateur is an alcoholic, and was put here cuz he's a spineless yes-man and thus, will do what the former conservateur says.

Do you wonder just who you'll keep in touch with throughout your lifetime? Take Krissy, for example, think you'll write to her forever? I wonder this sometimes, quite a lot. I know so many people and they're all good friends but sometimes I just wonder who'll care enough to keep in touch with me. Sometimes I feel like my letters are my own small way of making my opinion known to a vast amount of people over a large range. It's good! I like to do this but unfortunately don't, or simply "can't find the time." BULL! Turn the damn TV off for 30 minutes. It's nice not having that distraction but man, do I miss my stereo. I LOVE GOOD TUNES PLAYED REALLY LOUD! So, Openo wrote me and is thinking about just moving to where I move when I get back. Who knows, maybe he'd be a good business partner for a garden shop/ coffee house, who knows what the hell the future holds?

I've actually entertained another thought of this type lately. Maybe going back to grad school for gardening and using this knowledge to start a shop with garden supplies and knick-knacks with sections for wildlife and then offer services with it. Who knows... Alright, I'm signing off this one.

p.s. "Where's my Hossenfeffer?" -Bugs Bunny

6/3/98, #23
The phones are down here in Tapoa and I let numerous opportunities slip through my fingers to pass a call to you. I'm sorry!! But please, don't worry about me, things are going fine here. These past few days have been rough though. Last week I began work on my farm in Moli Hansa. It's where I'll go tomorrow morning. It rained there and now I can plant my millet. Moli is about an 8 mile bike ride, maybe 9, and farming in the hot sun with nothing but a hoe, your strength, and your field is killer! I was exhausted so I just rested all day Saturday and Sunday but on Monday, figured out that my front tire needed fixing but couldn't find a pump. So that all got put off until Tuesday when I had this massive headache and was running a fever. So I took that whole day off and just rested and slept it away. My mental state of being had gotten just as poor as my physical one (probably in response to it), and I found myself being homesick for a country which I despise (not entirely, but enough). I kept thinking, "What's the point of all this?"

6/4/98 Wednesday
I continued to run a fever but because I basically laid around all day and rested, my mental state had risen and I was beating the physical ailment. Today, all was well, I went to farm and even met some people (missionaries from Kentucky) who came to Moli Hausa with presents. I got 1/2 of my field planted and I can't believe this week's almost gone already. Time keeps on slippin' away, very fast, I really wonder (myself included) why people let themselves be angry or worried when there's only this certain amount of time that you get to enjoy life. Yah, anyway, I'm good now, but this job definately has ups and downs like any job does. Gosh, I'm just daydreaming. More later!

6/6/98 about 4:30 p.m.
I'm writing you this short little note while I waiting to see if your call can get reconnected. Just like things over here, fix them haphazardly and our phone call gets cut off just ilke that. Maybe th is can be viewed in a good way, maybe you can see how I live. I never get phone calls and if I do they're all scheduled or passed, so I know they're coming and the once, the phones weren't working so your call never got through. I don't talk to other Americans, or Europeans, anyone who can speak GOOD english, except when I go into Niamey every 2 or 3 weeks. Well I talk to Kim a little every day and thank god, if it weren't for her, I think I'd lose it. A few people speak a little english but I can't talk quick and with slang. And the mail. I still haven't gotten your letter #4. I suppose the Air France strike won't help at all. I'm complaining a lot but not to be back in America. The longer I'm away, the more worried I am about coming back. It's really weird, at the beginning of this week all I could think about was coming home... now all is good again and I'm happy here. Pele just came back and officially said the phones were out again, so I'll try to have a call passed to you in Niamey next time I'm there.

With all this frustration comes a different understanding, a new concept of time (I can't believe it's June!!) a slow, heavy sigh and reluctant acceptance of things just the way they are. I'm reading a book now called "the Africans" going into detail about Africa on the whole and why it is the way it is. So, let me talk of this homesickness thing a little. I feel caught between a new love for my job here, for Africa, for adventurous times and this nostalgic part of me that wishes I could go to the store an buy an italian submarine sandwich w/ mayo and mustard, a cold dark beer and a bag of chips and sit down and watch a movie or sit on a porch swing and listen to good music. I miss your companionship and talks with my family and friends. I wrote Carissa a letter yesterday while I cleaned my house and concession, telling her about this homesickness and other frustrations. I think I'll write my sister about it too. It helps just to write about it, to get it out. But like I said, I really like it here, and most days are good, but there are some other days when I'm not sure what to do or am unmotivated or I just don't understand someone or a situation and I become frustrated. These are the times I think of coming home, but I always ask myself "What will I do?" This question is often on my mind, the future, it used to all be so clear but now, it is like looking out over a land with no boundaries and I'm not sure which direction I should Trek.

I used to think I would be a park ranger, then maybe a professor... now I've thought about opening a wood shop and/or being an organic gardener or getting a graduate degree and continuing to work abroad. I just don't know specifics, but I know generalities. The work I want to do with my life is to help, to do whatever little bit I can to solve the problems of the world. Whether I would remain in Africa as a development worker, or move to Austrailia to address issues of pollution or live in the States or Canada as a social worker, educating youth or finding shelter and food for the homeless, as long as I continue to "Save the World" in whatever small way I can, then I am and will be satisfied. I feel like sometimes I'll be a "job-hopper" not keeping a job for any length of time, maybe not til I get older. Gosh, how my life is changing and just my view of the world in general. God I love this job, I love being my own boss, being unrestricted in what I can do and focus on.

6/19/98
I'll mail this when I get back to Niamey. I'm in Gotheye now. Last night we had a fish bake, then much drinking, then a little campfire, then a pinyatta (sp?) then more drinking. It was really fun to hang out with people I don't normally hang out with. We also got to take a fairy across the Niger River.

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