SkyMall

There’s something about a captive audience that makes them willing consumers, and something about high altitude that makes people irrational. In a similar vein as my page about the Oriental Trading Company catalog, this page is a showcase of even MORE things you didn’t know you didn’t need. But the Skymall magazine, available on domestic airlines right next to that safety card you never read, takes irrelevance a step further by making an earnest effort to make you think you DO need this stuff. You might think your life is pretty grand, but you simply don’t realize how messy, difficult, boring, or ugly it actually is. Many of these products even solve multiple problems.

If you suffer from any of the maladies below, fear not- you can visit skymall.com to place your order. (yellow highlighting is mine)

Problem: Wish there were more piercing electronic tones played at regular intervals in my life; find washing my hands to be boring and tedious

Solution:

magic

 

 

Problem: Have turbo stainless steel and titanium blades spinning at a terrifying 6,000 RPM, but have no place to put them
Solution: Nostrils!

cobalt

 

Problem: Not having enough nightmares about being watched by decapitated primates; need another place to store hats and sunglasses
Solution:

chimp

 

Problem: Open and closing microwave door is exhausting; would like slower, harder-to-clean method for preparing hot dogs
Solution:

hotdog

 

Problem: Pet is getting too much exercise; would like new and interesting way to terrify and humiliate indoor pets
Solution:

stroller2

 

Problem: Not fat or lazy enough
Solution:

grillbrush

 

Problem: Would like more futuristic devices to mount on my skull
Solution:

hairwash headspa

 

Problem: Interested in a more awkward, confining way to tailgate; also would like to exponentially increase likelihood of a spectacular public injury
Solution:

tailgate

 

Problem: Tired of using eyes to locate credit card and then using fingers to remove it from my wallet; would prefer to use eyes to locate tiny black & white credit card logo button, then using fingers to press the button, then using fingers to remove the card from a rigid plastic wallet-like box
Solution:

wallet

Problem: Have an embarrassing shortage of cheeseburger-shaped remote controls
Solution:

rcmouse

 

Problem: Wish furniture and beds had more dog hair on them
Solution:

dogstairs
Problem: Wish furniture and beds had less dog hair on them
Solution:

dogmattress

 

Problem: Woefully unprepared for emergency situations that will require electronically magnified yelling
Solution:

megaphone

 

Problem: Having trouble sneaking up on the roadrunner; need better disguise
Solution:

fakerock

 

Problem: Want a false sense of security regarding the safety of trampolines and a blatantly misleading marketing campaign about the source of trampoline injuries
Solution:

tramp

 

Problem: Fatigued by the messy, time-consuming chore of lifting a cardboard box and turning it approximately 90° to pour cereal; would like a way for kids to dump cereal on the counter and floor at the touch of a button
Solution:

cereal

 
Problem: Need something super-fabulous to wear to office parties, dinner dates… actually, any situation
Solution:

footies

 

Problem: Struggle to fall asleep while my feet are being crushed by the suffocating weight of my bedcovers
Solution:

bedcovers

 

Problem: Would like to simultaneously tell the cutie behind me that I’m single and demonstrate why
Solution:

plates

 

Problem: Would like to improve my golf game- details of how or why not necessary
Solution:

glove

 

Problem: Am ready to subvert the dominant towel-folding paradigm, but am unsure how to go about it
Solution:

towels

 

Problem: Wanted to be an astronaut when growing up; am not an astronaut; have not yet told parents
Solution:

nasa

 

Problem: Landscaping not very intimidating
Solution:

tree1

tree2